This is a piece of dialogue from the first draft of my current WIP God Slayer. It’s far from perfect as it stands.
‘I want to join Wolfpack,’ I said. The General looked at me, smirked then laughed. It was a mocking laugh that shook his whole body. I waited.
‘What makes you think I will take you on?’ he asked, leaning casually over the desk. I threw the potato sack onto the table and it landed with a heavy, wet thud. He gazed at me then his eyes flashed uninterested at the package. He shot a look at the Krieger and the lieutenant moved forward and with huge hands opened the sack.
I could smell it first, the bitter, acrid stench that infested everything. The General gazed into the blank eyes of the great demon. The skin on its head was sticky and peeling off the bone. The General didn’t even blink.
‘So you found a dead demon and took off its head as a trophy.’
‘Demons don’t die General. You can only kill one by cutting off its head. I know this.’ His eyes left the head and looked up at me under large brows. ‘How many of your men have faced a demon and lived?’ I asked, leaning over the table. The demon’s smell went straight up my nose and I almost chocked. I stared into the General’s eyes. ‘Three times I faced a demon and three times I lived. The last time was the time I slew it.’ I stood back and watched him. He remained silent but his expression looked thoughtful yet still suspicious. ‘Why has Handorem not got a wall?’ I asked.
‘The people are poor, they cannot afford to pay someone to build it.’
‘Then you need to protect them. Demons are increasing in number, they will come into the village and kill people…’
‘You may think I didn’t notice but you are a hybrid, and a woman. You look like you’ve just crawled out the woods. Why are you here hybrid?’ His words should have made me cross, but the calmness in his voice and the curiosity kept me thoughtful. I took a breath.
‘Three demons wandered into my village and killed everyone I loved, my life was destroyed. I will dedicate the rest of my life hunting these monsters until they all die, if I don’t do it with the help of Wolfpack I will do it alone.’
‘Redwood?’ he asked, raising an eyebrow. I nodded. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, looking me up and down before shrugging.
‘There aren’t even any women in Wolfpack, never mind hybrids.’
‘You have a Krieger, they are our enemy.’
‘He wears the brand,’ the General gestured casually.
‘Then give me the brand, if that’s what it takes.’ I was glaring at him now, I could feel the blind anger swelling inside me. I needed him to believe me. This was my only hope. He just gazed at me, blank and uninterested.
‘You will be better off on your own, you will not be welcome here, my men will not take you in with open arms.’ He uncrossed his arms and stood with his fingers pressed on the desk.
‘I realise that, I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to kill demons.’ We stood in silence as I felt his cold gaze searing through me. Please give me a chance. Please make him understand.
‘Can you fight?’ He asked.
‘I can fight well.’
I have to say, every time you post a snippet from Godslayer you make me want to know more about the world and characters. Yes, it’s rough in places, but that’s what first draft is for, isn’t it? Good job! 😀
Ruth Ellen Parlour said:
Ah thanks! I’ll let you know when it’s available 🙂
This was fun, and the dialogue was well written. Thank you for sharing! Since this is WIP, I’ll give you some feedback, if you don’t mind. From a storytelling angle, I will say that I’ve seen this from writers time and again: a character needing to prove themselves to a tribe or other group that (s)he can fit in by slaying something. It’s a great concept to build on, but you can take it so much further. Of course, this is just a snippet and I hope you do so in the rest of it, yet just focusing on this little part to spice it up a little more will really transform it. Why does this character want to prove so much to this person? What is the root of his behavior at this very moment in time? And what will happen once he does prove himself? This is such an important keynote that a lot of writers skim over when they’re eager to tell the story. You may consider me wrong by all means, it’s simply my take on it. I really do enjoy the writing and wish you the best with it!
Ruth Ellen Parlour said:
Thanks very much for the feedback! I’ll definitely have to make sure I include those things 🙂 thanks again!